Identity in parenthood seems to be a book that I can’t shelve. This week I found myself revisiting Denisse Myrick’s essay What We Lose When We Find Parenthood and sitting with her bold identity statement:
I’m a mother of 1.75 children, a wife, a community manager, and a dreamer. I could lie and say “in no particular order,” but it’s in that exact order.
When I first read her essay, the confidence of her statement was so powerful that I immediately started to internalize my own identity statement: I am a mother of 1, a wife, a statistics professor, and a dreamer.
I could lie and say “in no particular order.” But as I came to see recently, it’s also not in this exact order.
I only came to this realization after holding onto that particular ordering for close to 2 months. In the aftermath of an argument with my husband about the struggles of parenting, I had a heart-to-heart with my sister-in-law. I had told her about my mother-first identity statement a few days earlier, and she asked me, “Being a mother first—what does that mean to you?” The question took me by surprise. Not having an immediate answer made me question for a second if I had meant what I said. But the hesitation lasted only a second.
I do need to say I’m a mother first. But I realize now that to imply that there is an ordering to all of the other pieces of my identity would be a lie.
Becoming a parent has forced me to confront and demand more regarding my own needs, my marriage, and my career. All of these parts—together, equally important—shape my mother-first identity.
In order to be the kind of mother I can be proud of, I want to be a good wife, an inspiring teacher, and a constant dreamer. Because I want to model for my daughter how to work towards a healthy life partnership, how to do meaningful work that isn’t all-consuming, and how to move forward with hope in the face of fear.
The ordering of my identity statement is just a means of holding my most important parts equally. Recognizing this has allowed me to feel more at peace with my values. But most importantly, it allows me to move forward in all of those areas in a healthier way.
Approaching my career in a healthy way nourishes me with the mental energy to be the mother and wife I want to be. Working towards a stronger marriage nourishes me with the emotional safety that helps me savor time with my daughter and show up in the way that I want at work. And centering motherhood reminds me of the importance of all of this. It really is all connected.
What does your identity statement look like? How does your statement inform how you want to move forward in life?